The “Romantasy Army Camp Rations” Diet

WARNING: The following is intended for professionally irresponsible adults only. Kids, do not try this at home. 

We’re ten days in and I almost passed out with light-headedness and stomach pain because…I’m fucking hungry. Now, do I actually have a good reason for accidentally starving myself? Well no and I’d like to take some time to actively ignore the fact that I am a 25 year old woman getting a masters degree with relative access to grocery stores and money to buy food. Instead, I’d like to introduce you to the newest nutrition craze (of my own making), called the “Romantasy Army Camp Rations” diet! 

The necessary staples of the R.A.C.R diet include cans of unseasoned black beans, plain pasta in oddly difficult to eat shapes, oat encrusted bars of nothingness, oblong crackers claiming to be breadsticks, a single carrot, and finally for dessert: weirdly buttery biscuits with some hershey on top that can in theory pass for a cookie. Oh and, of course, the beverages…tap water. But don’t forget the key to the Romantasy Army Camp Rations diet is always being a little hungry and not knowing exactly what to do about it. 

After adopting this diet for ten days I have come to a horrifying realisation…this diet is not being served by a gruff but charming army cook who befriends me as I wander the enemy kingdom’s war camp where the soldiers make eyes and pervy comments at me until the sexy army commander I’m sharing a tent with for an unclear reason gruesomely murders one of them. Now, why was I wandering the camp in search of my gruff but charming army cook? Because that very same sexy army commander who kidnapped me from my albeit miserable existence that I’m still weirdly attached to didn’t tell me he has magic powers to control shadows and decides to give me a demonstration in which I end up pressed against a wall while we stare into each other’s eyes and verbally fuck. But wait, not only does he have powers and the ability to turn any scene uncomfortably sexual, I too have light magic that he knew about and hid from me, leading me to again wander the very same army camp in search of my gruff but charming army cook who hints to me that the sexy army commander has some kind of soul bond with me. Now throw in some sex scenes that you accidentally listen to on audiobook while riding the bus and I am all set to save the entire realm because I am special for no apparent reason and no one should question why.

 You see, now that I’ve been disenchanted because this gruff but charming army cook and sexy army commander never arrived, I am only feeling the negative effects of the R.A.C.R. diet which has led me to conclude that not only could I not fight a dark army of monsters, I cannot survive long enough to complete my masters degree. This means I will have to abandon this nutrition plan, but for some reason I will think fondly on the Romantasy Army Camp Rations diet for years to come. 

(Written on 9/13/25)

Update: I have established a new diet genuinely capable of sustaining me and I will introduce it to you as “1940s Farm Girl.” It was a tough harvest for Ma and Pa, but I’m still going strong.