Enjoy Being on the Receiving End

Grad school has a lot of twists and turns and if you are someone I deign to regularly talk to (just kidding…or not), then you may not mutter ‘what the actual fuck?’ to yourself while reading this week’s dispatch. As some of you are aware, it is not uncommon for me to send a bizarre text (your words, not mine) with absolutely zero context. So this week, I’d like to give you all that very same experience. Below are twelve text messages I have sent since arriving in Ireland and that is all I will say on them. Imagine waking up and seeing this on your phone:

1. “Did I ever think I’d be crying in Ireland because I couldn’t find evidence that someone jerked off to the transformer movie? No, I didn’t”
2. “But like, is it okay if I say the words ‘virgin gore’ in class? I’m not sure”
3. “Damn, guess I better get some potatoes and find a few witches”
4. “You asked for evidence, I give you evidence: a dirty poem”
5. “Both gave me trouble, but it was the normal ones that caused the incident”
6. “I’m begging for dildo poems and sexy greek goddesses.”
7. “Out of curiosity, who is the person with the taxidermy sheep on the fridge?”
8. “I was so mad that I actually went out this morning and bought an acai bowl”
9. “I will never unknow this quote by Marquis de Sade: ‘I asked for a cake with icing, but I want it to be chocolate and black inside as the devil’s ass is black from smoke.’”
10. “You know you’re losing your mind when you walk around your room singing a version of ‘Take Me To Church” but instead it’s ‘Take Me To Bed.’”
11. “‘…his chocolate periods were much more intense and compulsive than his relationships with coffee or opiates ever were.’”
12. “For my presentation, how confident are we that the men will know female anatomy?”

Enjoy trying to contextualize these. Shout out to anyone who recognizes being sent one of the above messages. You’re welcome! 

(Update: Those of you who read the January 24th dispatch “The Loneliest Denim Jacket”, I am excited to report that the department store Marks & Spencer now has a window display that says ‘but first, denim’ and showcases mannequins in double denim. This is it folks, this is what change looks like. It’s beautiful.)