As the Tayto potato crisp (chips) bag will tell you, they are The Original Irish Crisp and they would like you to know that they fucking crushed those shitty ass British crisps in 1954. Just in case you were wondering, which you probably weren’t, they are the first ever inventors of a cheese and onion flavoured crisp. Personally, I buy their salt and vinegar crisps and they’re about the same consistency of our Lays potato chips, but the flavour is much stronger than any you’ll get in America. This is all good fun until you lock eyes with the maniacal Tayto mascot: Mr. Tayto.
Mr. Tayto is a cartoon potato in a white shirt, blue tie, red coat, pinstripe pants, and black hat. He’s often seen with one arm waving and has a big grin on his face. He sounds cute, right? Wrong! This potato demon has two small, round, black eyes that stare into the void and should you lock eyes with him I’m pretty sure he’ll suck out your soul and turn it into a crisp. I have Tayto chips in my room and I can’t help but feel like Mr. Tayto is watching me day and night waiting to see me consume his crisps just so he can try and bring some joy to his soulless existence. The Hamburglar may be out to steal your burger, but one look at Mr. Tayto and you know he’s out for blood. Would I still recommend Tayto crisps? Yes, they’re actually pretty good, but I just want to make sure you eat them at your own risk.
The Irish snack of choice is potato crisps but if you want another salty snack that makes you feel closer to home, then you could always try Doritos. I don’t know why out of all the good American snacks to choose from, they selected Doritos in flavours such as Zingy Vinegar Blast. Then they actually list them under “tortilla chips” on the grocery order. How dare they insult Mexican food like that?!
But they don’t stick to just Doritos, Oreos have a big market here too. However, because they are not heathens, they don’t carry flavors like Cotton Candy, Fruit Punch, or Candy Corn. The most outrageous they’ll go with Oreos appears to be double-stuffed. While I’m not usually an Oreo buyer, I noticed that the ingredients list in Irish Oreos are about half as long compared to the American ones with significantly fewer things I can’t pronounce, most of which are outlawed in the EU. So when making my grocery order, I threw them in the cart to see if they are better, worse, or equal and I’m here to report the results: way better! So if you ever find yourself in Europe, it’s worth buying a sleeve of Oreos.
All of these snacks were delightfully delivered to me by an Irish woman in a Tesco (one of the main grocery chains) truck parked in a spot on campus I’m not sure cars are allowed. Eh, what’s running over some students in exchange for The Original Irish Crisp? I’m sure most of you readers have at some point in time had a grocery delivery and therefore know that shit actually comes in bags. Tesco in Ireland? Nope. Instead of bags, they just show up with these big blue crates and you’re expected to just grab it all out. I learned that the hard way last time, so today I came prepared and showed up with some Dunne’s grocery store (one of their biggest rivals) bags. Whether it was because it would be sacrilegious to put Tesco brand items into a Dunne’s bag or because she was in a hurry, she just handed me the crate and was like “take the crate and give it back to us next time.” I have a hard time saying no to Irish people when they smile at me and speak in that uniquely cheerful Irish voice, so naturally I accepted the crate and lugged it back to the apartment. But now you see, I am stuck with a large, blue, dirty crate sitting in my tiny room. The thing is, now I’m weirdly attached to the crate and don’t want to give it back. This is my adopted Tesco crate and it’s mine now.
Just to review: don’t trust Mr. Tayto, try the Oreos, and when the grocery delivery woman tells you to “just take the crate”, don’t, unless you want a new piece of dirty, weird furniture.
P.S. Someone is getting The Story of Tayto book for Christmas, better hope it’s not you.
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